Who the Hell Decided What “Sober” Means?
Someone recently left a comment on my Instagram that said:
“Your daughter isn’t sober. She’s on Sublocade.”
And I’ll be real with you, there was a time I might’ve agreed.
Not because it was true, but because I was scared.
Because I was desperate.
Because I was raised to believe the only way out of addiction was to crawl on your hands and knees into a church basement and admit you're powerless every single day for the rest of your life.
But guess what?
That belief almost got my daughter killed.
More than once.
So… who decided what sober actually is?
Who gets to be the gatekeeper?
Is it AA? NA? Some Facebook commenter with a big opinion and zero experience?
Because I’ve looked, and last I checked, there’s no Bible of Sobriety that says,
“Thou shalt not take prescribed medication that helps you stay alive and rebuild your damn life.”
Let’s be honest: AA and NA have been around the longest, so they got to define the terms.
But they were founded in 1935, before women could open their own bank accounts.
That’s who we’re letting decide what counts as sober?
That’s not wisdom. That’s tradition.
Let me tell you what addiction looked like in my house.
Homelessness
Dropping off the face of the earth for months
Wrecking a car and leaving the scene
Watching her lose custody of her child.
Watching her lose herself.
That’s addiction. That’s chaos. That’s a disease trying to end her life.
And this is what her recovery looks like now:
She lives in a stable home.
She’s parenting again.
She’s not chasing a high.
She’s not buying fentanyl from a dealer.
She’s not destroying herself for one more hit.
She’s healing.
So explain to me…what part of that isn’t sober?
You wouldn't know she was on medication unless someone told you.
There’s no flashing neon sign over her head that says, “This sobriety doesn’t count.”
And yet, people think it’s okay to open their mouths and dismiss her entire journey
because she gets a monthly injection that blocks cravings and prevents relapse.
Because she’s using science instead of shame.
If that’s your line in the sand?
Then your sand is built on stigma.
The truth is, this black-and-white view of recovery is literally killing people.
People are dying because they think they’re failing if they take meds.
They skip doses, walk out of treatment, or never go at all.
They relapse to prove a point. And that point? Ends up being a eulogy.
Sobriety is not a moral contest.
It’s not a cult.
It’s not for your approval.
It is a personal, private, and powerful reclamation of life.
It’s living. It’s parenting. It’s showing up when it would be easier not to.
I’ll say it loud for the people in the back:
If you think someone isn’t sober because they’re using a tool to stay alive,
you don’t know what sobriety actually is.
If you didn’t know they were on MAT, you’d just call them a “success story.”
So maybe hush the judgment until you’ve been in the trenches with someone who couldn’t survive without it.
You don’t get to define someone else’s recovery.
Especially when they’ve fought tooth and nail to get it.
To the parents, providers, and people still figuring it out:
This is your permission slip.
Do what works.
Do what you can live with.
And stop letting other people define what survival is supposed to look like.
👉 I’m curious: What’s your definition of sober?
Let’s talk about it—drop a comment below. Just don’t come in here swinging if you haven’t lived it.
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